Just because you heard from God it doesn’t mean you speak his language
OSGOOD KLULESS FELT GOD’S HAND on his shoulders and knew he’d received the call. He remembered distinctly. God’s hand descended at 10:30 am on a Monday morning in the middle of the mandatory Weekly Check-In meeting, when the Sales Director had just stood to begin his weekly Power Point presentation comparing the previous week’s sales to sales from the week before that, and then the preceding month, preceding quarter, and preceding year complete with charts and graphs and charts with graphs which nobody understood except the suits in accounting, not even the sales staff who really wanted to know how much they’d earned in commissions (the structure of which the company calculated based on average staff sales). Half the room was nodding off while the other doodled on their notepads and this was only the first weekly meeting. The company would follow with the afternoon’s action plan for the week meeting, followed by Tuesday’s goals inventory meeting, followed by Wednesday morning mid-week check-in meeting, followed by Wednesday afternoon’s action plan audit, followed by Thursday’s hustle to meet our weekly goals meeting, followed by Friday afternoon’s weekly post-mortem which would cover exactly the same topics (word-for-word) as next Monday’s mandatory Weekly Check-In, which Osgood was suffering through at 10:30 am, staring at his empty coffee cup and thinking, I should’ve ordered the Venti with extra half and half, and then thinking, Jesus Christ, deliver me from this endless cycle of bull shit meetings, and even though he wasn’t actually praying, he must’ve caught God’s attention because suddenly he felt a hand grip his shoulder. A voice in his head said, “You are my chosen messenger.”
Loud, with an echo that bounced off his skull’s inner walls for at least a minute, and at first he thought it was boredom, imagination, desperation, delusion, and even psychosis, and then he thought, “I’ve been working for Sparrow, Pigeon, and Crow for too goddam long.” That was the moment he realized the call from God came at exactly the right time, because he had worked for Sparrow, Pigeon, and Crow too goddam long. Another year of this shit, and he’d lose his sanity.
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