Script writers make shit up. Never use movies to fact check.
RICK PICKELFACE TOOK THE EMPTY BAR STOOL next to the hottie at the bar and offered to buy her a drink. She studied him skeptically and accepted. He’d reached first base, which for Rick was not being told to get lost. She ordered a vodka and watermelon punch. Rick ordered the same.
The bartender placed their orders on the bar. Rick laid his American Express Platinum card next to his drink . “Only the best for the best,” he said. She thanked him and returned her attention to the corn hole competition on the overhead TV.
Time to up his game. He placed his hand over hers and said, “Why don’t we retire to my place? I can show you the biggest, most erect statue in London.”
She tossed her drink into his face. “Your attitude has more acne than your cheeks.” She moved to the end of the bar and ordered another vodka and watermelon punch. “To cleanse the past of that encounter from my mouth,” she informed the bartender loudly enough that everyone could hear.
The bartender placed their orders on the bar. Rick laid his American Express Platinum card next to his drink . “Only the best for the best,” he said. The woman thanked him and returned her attention to the corn hole competition on the overhead TV.
That night, while he drowned his sorrows with a six-pack of Sharp’s Doom Bar amber ale, he spotted a movie on Netflix called Love Actually. He’d heard it was a real chick flick, but maybe he could learn a few tips from the chicks to get laid. He certainly wasn’t getting any help by watching Marvel Action flicks and playing World of Warcraft.
In the middle of the movie, he sat straight. The movie’s hero, Colin, a guy even uglier and more of an asshole than him (at least by Rick’s estimation), flies to Wisconsin to meet girls because American women are turned on by English accents. He emptied his bottle and leaned toward the screen. Surely, they’ll reject Colin like British girls because he was butt ugly and an ass.
As the movie unfolded, however, Colin scores. Scores big. He shows up at a bar and suddenly the women are crawling all over him. Not just any women, either. Elisha Cuthbert, Ivana Milicevic, and the mother load of MILFs, January Jones. These women weren’t just hot, they scorched the screen. As his chubby threatened to burst through his britches, the women threatened to melt his 85-inch HDTV.
Love Actually’s hero, Colin, a guy even uglier and more of an asshole than him (at least by Rick’s estimation), flies to Wisconsin to meet girls because American women are turned on by English accents.
But Colin’s adventure hadn’t finished. When he returned to England, he brought all three with him and, OMG, Denise Richards as well.
Rick grabbed his laptop and logged into Travel.com to book his ticket to Wisconsin. If a guy as ugly as Colin could score with Denise Richards because of his accent, how much luckier would Rick get?
When he landed in Madison, he directed a cabby to the “best pickup bar” in the city, and the driver deposited him at a joint called Baybz. As soon as he stepped onto the crowded floor, he raised both thumbs and thought, Hallelujah. None of the girls wore cowboy hats like in the movie, but they could all raise the mast of a guy with ED from half to full.
He ambled to the bar and squeezed between two women so hot they gave him sunburn just standing next to them. He asked if he could buy them drinks and they said yes. “Only the best for the best,” he added.
The blonde to his left ordered a Peachy Keen and the brunette to his right, a Caipirinha. The blonde tossed her long hair past her shoulder. “You have the cutest accent. Are you English?”
Rick grabbed his laptop and logged into Travel.com to book his ticket to Wisconsin. If a guy as ugly as Colin could score with Denise Richards because of his accent, how much luckier would Rick get?
Rick puffed his chest. “One hundred percent.”
The brunette dragged her long fingernails across the bar. “I love an English accent.”
Score!
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